Communication Check
From the beginning…
Communication skills are taught and learned from a very young age by observation. When we are babies we cry to express a need. As we grow, we learn through observing our environment. What words are used, how needs are expressed, and what reactions to expect. Not all environments are emotional “safe zones”. Some children may learn that sharing certain emotions like happiness or gratitude are welcome, while anger or sadness are rejected or shut down. This example could lead to “bottling up” difficult emotions and feelings of shame. Not being able to express ourselves honestly can lead to unhealthy behaviors or coping responses.
Passive Communication
Passive communication allows space for others emotions but often denies our own. Passive communication is often indirect and leaves room for various interpretations. Body language with this style can often include avoiding eye contact, speaking softly, mumbling, or slouching. This style of communication expresses: “other’s needs are more important than my own”. Struggling to say “no” to a demand or a request out of fear it might offend the other falls into this category. Passive communication can lead to or be a result of low self-esteem. Examples of this could be saying, “Yes, I will do that. No problem” when if we were being honest we would simply say “No”. Being dishonest with ourselves and others can breed feelings of resentment.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication values our needs only and diminishes (or ignores) the needs of others. This style of communication often expresses anger, intimidation, judgement, or aggression. This style uses the word “you” most often and creates a “you vs me” mentality instead of “us vs the problem”. Body language may include glaring, crosses arms, or expressive movements that make the body appear bigger. People communicate aggressively when they feel the need to defend themselves or establish control. An example of this may be: “You can never do anything right.”
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is the goal! It most often uses “I” statements to clearly and confidently express a need or opinion. Body language in assertive communication can mean maintaining eye contact, standing straight, and steady. This style is helpful to both parties because it leaves no room for misinterpretation and gives clear, honest insight into how a person feels. An example may be: “I am unable to participate this week, but thank you for inviting me.”
Good News!
No matter what style of communication you learned and practiced, you can start today to change your approach. Step one is building awareness of your default style. Which of these sounds most familiar to you? Do you see these patterns in your relationships? Begin paying attention to your approach in conversation. Once you have built the awareness, take a breath to reset. Think before you speak and decide on the approach you’d like to take. If you need time to respond, let the other person know. Just by doing this, you’ll be on your way to assertive communication!
If you have questions about this or would like more help in this area, we’d be happy to help. Reach out to us at info@selahprofessionalcounselors.com or (331) 260-5963.
-Kiah Enriquez, LCSW
