Listen to your teenager
I often work with teenagers. Teenagers are great. They are messy, passionate, and full of life. And sometimes they are very difficult to understand or be around. After seeing teens for a few years, I find myself telling parents (or wishing I could tell parents) the same few things.
One of the big ones is to listen to your teenager. I think most people need to be heard and listened to more often. But teenagers especially need it. So how do we listen and tune into our teenagers better? How do we build a foundation to then work from when we need to have hard conversations with them or set a limit?
1.) Let them speak.
Too often I hear from my teens that their parents “don’t listen”, “are too busy”, or “lecture me when I tell them something”. I get it. Sometimes life is busy and you are a parent. There is a time to teach but usually that teaching is more effective after you’ve connected with your teenager.
I had a young teen who had tried a couple other therapists and just wouldn’t talk to her parents. She was one of my few clients who would not answer a single question, not even with a one word answer. After a couple weeks, I finally found her interest. Animals. She loved animals and her eyes lit up, her face changed, and she shared with me all about past and present experiences with animals. After listening to her for an hour, I saw a noticeable difference in her and our relationship. She became more open with me and eventually was receptive to what I had to say as well. Another one of my teens told me once- “I know my mom won’t be interested in some of the things I tell her. But I want to tell her and for her to care that it matters to me.”
2.) Don’t fake it
Teens are smart and usually know if you are faking it-if you are checked out or only partially listening. It takes effort to truly listen, especially if the teen is sharing about a topic you have no interest in. But it is almost more harmful to “fake it” than to not take the time to listen. When we choose to not fake it and put the effort in to listen, ask questions, and be curious with them, it communicates so much. It tells them you care and that they are important. It tells them that you value what they have to say and that they can tell you more about their inner world. It builds the trust and the more you build the trust, the more they will share about more serious topics or be open to hearing from you.
3.) Be careful of your nonverbals
Communication is both verbal (the words we speak) and nonverbal (the body language, tone, etc.). Again, teens are smart and perceptive. If you are listening with the right words but have a judgmental tone or body posture, they will shut down or get defensive. Watch your face and tone. Even if you are upset with what you are hearing, take a deep breath and remind yourself to show love and compassion.
4.) Show positive regard
Positive regard is a term coined by a psychologist, Carl Rogers, who developed the Person Centered approach to psychotherapy. He found that transformation occurs when a person is accepted as they are without any efforts to change, judge, or shame them. What a difficult line to walk as a parent. Yes, teens can make mistakes and you have to provide boundaries. But also, you need to show them that you accept them completely; mistakes and all. Shame does not change people and our teenagers are already battling low self-esteem and trying to find their place in the world. Hold the boundaries as a parent but also make sure they know that you believe in them, you love them no matter what, and that you see the good in them.
5.) Have some fun
It’s such a privilege being in my position because I get to see the whole picture. I hear from the parents how their kid never wants to spend time with them or complains when the parent comes to their games. And then I sit with the kid who tells me they want their parent to spend more time with them and that they are sad when the parents don’t show up to things. The teen years are such a push and pull. They say, “I’m still a kid and feel vulnerable and I need you” and then they turn around and say, “I’m becoming an adult and don’t want anything to do with you”. Its confusing. But more often than not, showing up or creating fun experiences (without the goal of talking) builds connection. Show up for your kid. Be intentional with car rides and plan one on one times. Go out for ice cream, just the two of you, or do an activity that makes you both laugh. Build the positive moments so that when the difficult ones come, it feels more balanced and you have a foundation to work from.
Raising kids is difficult. Raising teenagers is a wild ride. I hope these suggestions help you build a stronger relationship with your teenager and know that we are here at Selah Professional Counselors if we can help!
